Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*