Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.