Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
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Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Hey i am sexy to you now
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.