@JeffMightBWrong
@DaveTheAlbino I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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@DaveTheAlbino 
@BBrains26 My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
@crabgirl_ The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
@ninatreemonkey Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
@GensPlace I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
@mikeleffingwell Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
@DothTheDoth I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
@ThinkingSavage ‘I know a black person’
– White people
@EllaZee5 imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
@aveuaskew “Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.