Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.