Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.