damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.