Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
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I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…