Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
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Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
english majors be like furthermore
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.