Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.