Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS