@timdonakowski

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

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@Writepop

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

@punished_picnic

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

@simoncholland

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

@GingerHotDish

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

@casual_koala

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

@mommeh_dearest

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

@heyitsJudeD

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??