damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
can’t believe I got front row seats
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”