Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
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Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
lol
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?