@QwertyJones3

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

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@Aikiwomannc

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

@bananagrvyrd

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

@dave_cactus

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

@mcs212

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

@dailyadviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

@IamEveryDayPpl

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

@SoniaEryka

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

@AmishSuperModel

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…