Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?