Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.


Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree


Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.


I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards


What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*


“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it


I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.


*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…