Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder