Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

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If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.


Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”


Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you


I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.


Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children


I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.