Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.