me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.