Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
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“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.