Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.