Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
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20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I triple waxed for this?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
This is enough internet for the day.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick