Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
A customer told me they were never coming back….