Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
🤣🤣💀
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you