Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.