“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
ugh not again
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing