Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
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WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.