#damn
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Best seat on the street 😍
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
time for some seasonal decor
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk