#damn
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Its a hippotatomus
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made