Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.