“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.


Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”


Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.


If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill


we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,


Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.


Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.


Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?


[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*