@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

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@squirrel74wkgn

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

@FinsterDavenprt

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@dietredbull

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

@sullivem

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

@imence2

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

@AdamBroud

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

@AlanFelyk

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

@markydoodoo

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*