“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]