Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
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[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Spell check is for lasers.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.