Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…