Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?