Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all