Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
inventing words: clothing
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆