Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Husband: How鈥檚 your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we鈥檙e still well below my average.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
United Steaks of America
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more鈥onvertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
we鈥檙e insta mutuals now 馃槍馃槍馃槍
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
i鈥檓 pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can鈥檛 do laundry lying down
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see