Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
$3 #books
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.