Dance like you’re not the father
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.