[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
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My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤