‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’m already scared