*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
A short story about romance.
at ease…shoulder.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.