Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook