Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
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-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …
When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!
-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this