*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying