Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.