Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
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New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Always a metermaid never a meter
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar