Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹