Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
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Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
j o i m p
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
In case you needed to hear it:
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”