Danger is very dangerous
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
why am I working on Labor Day
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…