Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Admin smashed it 😂
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.