Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

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My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo


I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.



How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit


They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot


My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.


I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”


How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking


[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?


*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.


If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!