[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone