*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
You Might Also Like
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.